when my grandpa died / and we said goodbye at the open casket / i swear i saw him breathing / and maybe even smile a little; / and when our cat died/ we couldn't figure it out / until he turned stiff. / so i wonder / since the brain looks for patterns / and fills in gaps – / when i die one day / will i realize / or will my brain make me remember / what it felt like to be alive / and i just go on like before? is that / how ghosts are made / or how people keep remembering / all the tiny details / of those who / have passed?

#poetry #fragments

on the way

have you ever felt you killed somebody because you prayed to whatever entity you believe in that their suffering should end that they should be allowed to rest

because the other day i talked to my grandma about a relative of ours who was in hospice care

and while my grandma has this outlook on life and death that some old people have – that death, at some point, is mercy - i had hoped until then that he might get better again

but during that conversation something inside me realized that his time probably has come and in my thoughts i wished him a good last journey a safe trip to whatever afterlife may be waiting for him

he died that night and i was not surprised

#fragments

007 | untitled

isn't it curious how when things get bad we think it will never get better but when things get good we fear it'll get bad again soon

#poetry #fragments #fortheghostsicarry

i use hashtags (and will update this page whenever i add a new one)

#poetry

• should be self-explanatory, although i'm not always sure what i write should really be called “poetry”

#fragments

• short poems, (unfinished) thoughts

#fortheghostsicarry [for the ghosts i carry]

• often paired with #poetry
• posts about things relating to past selves/views/experiences

#somestillbleed [some still bleed]

• always paired with #fortheghostsicarry
• is meant to make you aware there might be mentions of potentially triggering subjects
  • these may include but are not limited to mental health, especially depression, anxiety and ( c)ptsd; unhappy childhood; gaslighting, emotional abuse, emotional neglect (ties in with the childhood); identity loss (will be tied to the specific issue of finding out your social father isn't your biological father rather late (i was almost 30));

#whattheflowersknow [what the flowers know]

• things i am learning as i am rediscovering myself
• often but not always rather positive, pushing forward, hopeful (but not in a toxic positivity-way (i hope))
• sometimes paired with #fortheghostsicarry
  • then often about past behaviors/beliefs, and how i am un-learning them

#thisferalheart [this feral heart]

• you will find sensual topics here
  • possibly explicit, tread with caution
• for this reason, if overly explicit, it will be posted at the beginning of an entry, not paired with any other hashtags (the only exception to this is the post titled “this feral heart”)

#againsttherush [against the rush]

• reflections on fast-paced (internet) culture
• resisting the feeling to constantly have to create, produce, perform; resisting “content creation”
• trying to reclaim slowness, breath and truth