if you've ever felt like something that's out of place within what is supposed your own bloodline, maybe you can understand this; i am sitting with the truth that love cannot be forced, and grief cannot be performed for others' comfort.

011 | no grave of mine

i'm visiting the grave of my “father's” parents; but my father is not my father, and even if i didn't know it back then, i never called them “grandma & grandpa”

we were never quite as close as i was with my other grandparents – the gods know my other grandpa plays in a whole different league than the wholre rest of the family, but still -

and there was always a creeping feeling of distance; like i don't truly belong, like we have nothing in common.

now, my “aunt” – who is not my aunt - asked me to look after the grave because i live closest and she doesn't trust her brother, my “father” and because she lives on another fucking continent while i live one village away

and i am standing at this grave staring feeling nothing

even the guilt about that has disappeared

it's like looking at a stranger's grave

it should still feel fresh, though? my “grandfather” passed away last year – or wait, was it the year before? it hasn't been that long, is all i know and it's not like we never had a good time together

but still i am standing here feeling nothing

back at the car i already forgot the year my “grandmother” died, again

but i finally feel something something else i feel free?

and a tiny bit of guilt for not feeling guilt for not feeling anything

this is hard to share because it paints me like a monster; but if finally being able to leave something painful and devastating behind makes me one, i shall embrace it.

(is this my villain arc?)

(no)

(no)

(this is the part where i wake up and choose myself)

#poetry #fortheghostsicarry #somestillbleed #whattheflowersknow

i use hashtags (and will update this page whenever i add a new one)

#poetry

• should be self-explanatory, although i'm not always sure what i write should really be called “poetry”

#fragments

• short poems, (unfinished) thoughts

#fortheghostsicarry [for the ghosts i carry]

• often paired with #poetry
• posts about things relating to past selves/views/experiences

#somestillbleed [some still bleed]

• always paired with #fortheghostsicarry
• is meant to make you aware there might be mentions of potentially triggering subjects
  • these may include but are not limited to mental health, especially depression, anxiety and ( c)ptsd; unhappy childhood; gaslighting, emotional abuse, emotional neglect (ties in with the childhood); identity loss (will be tied to the specific issue of finding out your social father isn't your biological father rather late (i was almost 30));

#whattheflowersknow [what the flowers know]

• things i am learning as i am rediscovering myself
• often but not always rather positive, pushing forward, hopeful (but not in a toxic positivity-way (i hope))
• sometimes paired with #fortheghostsicarry
  • then often about past behaviors/beliefs, and how i am un-learning them

#thisferalheart [this feral heart]

• you will find sensual topics here
  • possibly explicit, tread with caution
• for this reason, it will be posted at the beginning of an entry, and, if overly explicit, not paired with any other hashtags (the only exception to this is the post titled “this feral heart”)

#againsttherush [against the rush]

• reflections on fast-paced (internet) culture
• resisting the feeling to constantly have to create, produce, perform; resisting “content creation”
• trying to reclaim slowness, breath and truth