007 | untitled

isn't it curious how when things get bad we think it will never get better but when things get good we fear it'll get bad again soon

#poetry #fragments #fortheghostsicarry

i use hashtags (and will update this page whenever i add a new one)

#poetry

• should be self-explanatory, although i'm not always sure what i write should really be called “poetry”

#fragments

• short poems, (unfinished) thoughts

#fortheghostsicarry [for the ghosts i carry]

• often paired with #poetry
• posts about things relating to past selves/views/experiences

#somestillbleed [some still bleed]

• always paired with #fortheghostsicarry
• is meant to make you aware there might be mentions of potentially triggering subjects
  • these may include but are not limited to mental health, especially depression, anxiety and ( c)ptsd; unhappy childhood; gaslighting, emotional abuse, emotional neglect (ties in with the childhood); identity loss (will be tied to the specific issue of finding out your social father isn't your biological father rather late (i was almost 30));

#whattheflowersknow [what the flowers know]

• things i am learning as i am rediscovering myself
• often but not always rather positive, pushing forward, hopeful (but not in a toxic positivity-way (i hope))
• sometimes paired with #fortheghostsicarry
  • then often about past behaviors/beliefs, and how i am un-learning them

#thisferalheart [this feral heart]

• you will find sensual topics here
  • possibly explicit, tread with caution
• for this reason, if overly explicit, it will be posted at the beginning of an entry, not paired with any other hashtags (the only exception to this is the post titled “this feral heart”)

#againsttherush [against the rush]

• reflections on fast-paced (internet) culture
• resisting the feeling to constantly have to create, produce, perform; resisting “content creation”
• trying to reclaim slowness, breath and truth

003 | de/forming

i've always been “the soft one” and i tried to shapeshift this softness into whatever was needed into whatever i assumed would be liked best

when you do that for a long time for whatever reason – for me it was survival - you forget who you truly are

you unlearn what you really want what you need what would be fun to have or think or say or do

you just fill the molds prepared by others and if you don't fit, well squeeze a bit harder maybe cut a piece off yourself here and there

but there will be a time a day, a moment, a year maybe within which you realize no this isn't who i am

you will see the scars where you cut off parts of yourself and you will see the bruises from squeezing into spaces that were never meant for you

that is the time where you have to decide is it still worth it do i still need to do this or am i ready to leave it all behind

to step away from the molds to let myself become something else to see what shape i take when i'm not forced to fit in

#poetry #fortheghostsicarry

002 | in my goo era

did you know caterpillars basically dissolve to become a butterfly.

but a brimstone, a swallowtail, a map caterpillar - they already are a brimstone, a swallowtail, a map butterfly.

the goo inside the chrysalis is still a brimstone, a swallowtail, a map.

becoming is not pretty; it's cruel and painful and scary.

but during all this time, no matter the state, i am still me, becoming.

#poetry #fortheghostsicarry #whattheflowersknow