008 | this feral heart

i want to post about the wild things. about hunger and touch and need. about bodies and breath and bruised longing (and longing for bruises).

and i am afraid. i am afraid this will stain the place i am building.

there's probably quite a few things behind that fear - like, how as women we're taught to be clean and polite and free of sinful desires. how certain aspects of sensuality are frowned upon. how i, a queer woman, belong to a marginalized group either exploited or shunned for their sexuality. (think lesbian scenes in porn (with usually very traditionally feminine-presenting women who aren't even that interested in each other, but in pleasing the male that will sooner or later fuck them (i told you i can use “bad” words)) vs. homophobia or disgust (often with more butch-leaning individuals))

but i don't want to make this about feminism.

there's personal issues behind this fear as well. like being afraid of being rejected for my preferences. being afraid of telling the person i love most about what i truly need – because maybe it's too much, maybe she'll see me differently if she knows about the abyss of my hunger. the fear i overwhelm her, because i am aware that my drive is higher, and my desires wilder.

but.

i wanted to build a space for myself here. a place where i can be truly me.

and i come with these needs and fantasies and —

i need to write about it. i owe it to myself; i am allowed to exist whole, and i don't want to share only a half-tamed, sanitized version; the wildness and longing and hunger, they belong to the same heart and soul as everything else. i will not cut them off to make myself easier digestable.

there will be so many patches of wilderness on this blog, the sensual part of this garden can be avoided by anyone not ready to look at it – or seeked out if interested.

i am showing myself that there is no part of myself i need to hide; nothing is too messy or too raw or too much to deserve breath and space and light; my hunger will not ruin anything here - how could hunger ruin anything anyway, it's part of what keeps us alive.

#thisferalheart (it might not be clean, but it's real)