i dreamt i was devoured

001 | the girl who is learning to bite back

so. uhm. hi. instead of trying to introduce myself awkwardly, instead of aiming to describe of how i plan to use this little space, i'll tell you something else -

(okay ONE thing, english is not my first language. and no, i will not stop writing all lowercase.)

so i've been thinking a lot during the past months, trying to figure out what i really want, who i really am -

and it's hard. it's fucking hard.

i've asked myself over and over again, two of the most beautiful but painful and difficult questions you can ask yourself - who am i when i'm not pretending? who am i when i'm not afraid?

and i'm not sure;

but i realized, one thing that's always been with me has been creative expression, in one way or another, and telling stories -

i've always drawn and painted, i was the girl in school who doodled pretty eyes and badly proportioned manga characters everywhere; i wrote fanfiction and poetry;

i wanted to be a photographer in a time before smartphones made it so easy for everyone to just take snapshots of everything, and it felt kind of pointless to pick up a “real” camera (although by now i've realized, it is infinitely more rewarding to take photographs while you have to pay attention to how many you already took; it is infinitely more rewarding to really look at something, see it, and not just push a button and have yet another soulless snapshot you'll probably never look at again);

i love roleplaying and creating characters and their worlds, their feelings, their relationships, going through hardship and celebrate small and big victories with them;

i feel all my life i've been trying to express myself, to tell stories, to show truths -

but then, suddenly, my chest tightens; my throat gets dry, the words get stuck -

what if someone actually sees me?